Today is the day that Tara the hero cat is to throw out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game, as some sort of fucked up, badly thought out reward/punishment for her heroic act of saving a child from being savaged by a neighborhood dog.
After initially fretting over the fact that she doesn’t actually possess opposable thumbs to throw said baseball, Tara then began to wonder what sort of yogic relaxation techniques she would use prior to the event to stop her from going absolutely apeshit inside a stadium packed with a noisy, cheering crowd in Bakersfield, California.
When approached for comment by our roving cat reporter, Lucille Kittinsworth; Tara admitted that she was somewhat anxious about the upcoming event, which she admits she would rather not go to, as she had prior plans to just sit in a sunny spot by the window and lick her own arse for a few hours.
“I just don’t think that these humans realize that attending a packed sports event is actually really terrifying for me, as a cat. It probably goes without saying that I don’t give a shit about sports or publicity. All the noise and stimulus in that stadium will probably make me publicly shit myself, which will be both embarrassing and traumatic.”
When asked whether she regrets her decision to save a child’s life during a savage dog attack, where she disregarded her own safety and engaged in physical conflict with the much larger animal, Tara admits, “I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel conflicted about it. There are times when I wish I had just not gotten involved.” She said.
“I mean the family were nice to me before I became a Youtube sensation, now they are just being greedy opportunistic dicks, if you’ll pardon my Francais. I don’t even have thumbs! How the hell am I going to throw a F***ing baseball?”
With advertising and media offers rolling in, including a representative from Cat Fancy Magazine confirming that they are “desperate to get Tara for their cover”, the world is wondering what will Tara the cat do next?
“I’d just be happy being allowed to eat more Kit-e-Kat or Whiskas and less of that shitty dry food to be honest. I like to live a simple life– torturing maimed mice, getting agitated watching birds, licking my privates, licking my arse, doing the licky paw washy face. If I wake up tomorrow and there’s a video of me on Youtube covered in my own feces at a baseball game, I guess I’ll just have to re-evaluate and take things as they come.”
Tara throws the first pitch tonight a 7.15 pm (EST) in the Bakersfield Blaze Stadium. Be sure to tune in later for the almost certain humiliation of a severely drugged up cat.