She kicked a dog in the face. Saved a child. Became an overnight cewebrity. Now Tara the Hero cat is finding her previously simple life spiraling out of control, as her owners have got dollar signs in their eyes and are determined to merchandise the shit out of a loyal pet.
Yesterday, Tara the Hero cat made her first public appearance at a baseball game in Bakersfield, California where she was invited to throw the first pitch as (one can only assume) a reward for saving her family’s child from a sudden dog attack.
Quick thinking Tara had darted to the child’s defense, drop kicking the dog in the face and bounding after it, repeatedly yelling “I will fuck you up, Sir. I will fuck you up, Sir.” With the dog in full flight, Tara then realized that open spaces were not the safest environment for an animal of her huntress nature and she retreated to check on the child she had rescued.
Then came the news that Tara was famous and that her owners had booked her to appear at the baseball game, to which Tara replied “Do you really think this is a good idea? Do you not think it’ll make me look stupid/you guys look kind of greedy?”
Tara’s protests fell on deaf ears however and she resigned herself to watching 90s Madonna movie ‘A League of Their Own’ as some form of desperate mental preparation for her ill-advised sporting debut.
“The difference is, those women wanted to play baseball. I’m a cat- I couldn’t give a flying fuck really,” She said of the underrated screen gem that also stars Tom Hanks and Geena Davis, as well as Lori Petty (who curiously, only did two other movies after- Tank Girl and Flipper). “I’m just not feeling it,” Tara admitted.
Perhaps it was the nervousness, or the added pressure that her owners had started a twitter account and were rolling out “Tara the Hero Cat” merchandise in an effort to cash in at Tara’s emotional expense, but Tara’s baseball debut was, by all reports, “not great.”
We managed to speak to Tara, being driven by her family on their way to the stadium. She seemed nervous and abrupt. “I just fucking hate car journeys,” She explained, “I feel like I’m going to barf.”
By the time Tara’s ordeal was over, she hadn’t managed to morph her paw into a fully functional human hand on time and the pitch had to be thrown by an actual human, leaving everyone disappointed and Tara feeling embarrassed and anxious.
“Now my owners won’t sell enough T-shirts with my logo on it and they will punish me for letting them down,” Tara said mournfully, “My life sucks now.”
She then took to Twitter to address her fans, having finally managed to evolve her paw into possessing a more human degree of dexterous function, but it was indeed a case of too little, too late.
Well, I gave it my best shot, but my humans really got in the way. Everyone knows I’m left pawed.
— Tara Hero Cat (@taraherocat) May 21, 2014