Disclaimer: Contains minor spoilers (sort of, I guess, theoretically) so do not read if you’re planning on watching this down your local multiplex this weekend.

Hi Bryan,

I just saw your new film ‘X-Men: Days of Future Past’ in the cinema. I really enjoyed it. There’s nothing better than paying those five euros, grabbing a machine coffee and watching a favourite story from my teen years turned into a big-screen, money spinning aggregation of “stuff people want to see in an action movie.” Explosions and shit! I love Magneto. He’s such a scamp. lol.

I honestly think it was the best you could have done with a really complex and socially referential story by Chris Claremont and I’m not criticizing in the slightest. I criticized that one time about Halle Berry, when she played Storm in your first X-Men movie and then by the time the third X-Men movie came out, I realized that she didn’t write that line. You know that line?

Anyway it was great but here’s what I would have done differently:

Wolverine: I liked the way you waited an entire 10 minutes to make him get his shirt off in this one. It left a bit of mystery so the audience could wonder as to whether he had that sculpted, husky, sinewy heterosexual physique hiding under those stupid clothes. It made gay men in the audience thirsty as fuck and made straight men thirsty for that kind of thirst that they could inspire in gay men. Definitely.

Anyway, it was really cool but I would have opted to shut off all pretense of not projecting my homo-inferior desires and just made the character entirely “gay for pay”- made it a plot point that Wolverine was a straight man, who engaged in intensive regular exercise, who had sex with other hot men for cash, so older men could jerk off in their spare time, and he was basically just flattered by the extra attention from gay men. Also tell the Marvel Studio bosses to do the same with Thor and Captain America in particular. I feel it will round out the rough edges in the characters’ motivational arcs.

Kitty Pryde: I loved the way you took a pivotal character in Chris Claremont’s original story and just made her spend the entire movie sitting. Just sitting. Occasionally breathing laboriously from the effort of sitting.

What I think would have made Kitty Pryde’s character EVEN BETTER is if she went “WAIT A MINUTE? I CAN SEND MY OWN CONSCIOUSNESS BACK IN TIME BECAUSE I’M IMPERVIOUS TO INJURY! HOW SILLY OF ME!” but Wolverine just goes “No Kitty. I am going because…” then lifts up his shirt, he looks directly at the camera and says “…AAAABBBBSSSSS.”

Then I realize that there was a time-shift in where you set your film in comparison to in the comics, where it was set in the actual future, so like the only choice you had was to send Wolverine back in time, instantly naked so we could see his bottom. That’s cool.

Rogue: Okay I’ll be honest, I missed her. I understand that you had to cut her almost entirely from the movie. You already had two Academy Award winning actresses to work with so you just didn’t need Anna Paquin, who just won a stupid Supporting Actress award. She’s not as adorable as J-Law anyway.

The one scene that she was in was really nice, even though she didn’t have any lines and she just kind of waved out into the audience, like she was silently, humbly saying “Hi, I’m here guys!” even though you could see in her eyes that she was dying slowly inside.

I’m not trying to get on your tits, but I think she should have had a line there. You should have had her say “Heyyyyy shugahhhh! Ahhhhmmm Rogue! How y’all doin’?” and then had her trail off about what her intentions were about going for breakfast. Just a little reward for the real fans, you know? It’s just a suggestion. I’m not trying to do your job.

Professor X: I’m not nit-picking here but did you explain the part where at the end of ‘X-Men: The Last Stand’, he got completely immolated by a stroppy Jean Grey and his mind turned up in a coma victim’s body on Muir Island? I was aggressively “liking” everything on Instagram at the very start of the movie and might have missed something by the time I willed myself to shut off my phone and just watch the fucking movie.

I know there was a lot going on at the start of the movie but it’s just weird that no one noticed that Charles had been dead and then he wasn’t dead. Storm was really upset when he died. You should have added a part where Storm sees Charles and says “Professor! So you’re not dead? That’s weird!”

Havok: Why was he in it? Where did you meet him? The actor I mean? Did he win the role at a twink pool party? You can tell me. I won’t blab.

Emma and Sean: So Emma Frost and Sean Cassidy? Just dead? I love those characters. They’re kind of major players in the entire universe narrative so I hope in one of the next movies, there’s a scene at the start where someone goes “Emma! Sean! Wow! Not dead? That’s weird!”

Bishop: It was nice to have a black male character for Storm to relate to.

Blink: It was nice to strategically introduce her so that the next movie “Age of Apocalypse” isn’t just a sack of sweaty testicles on a big screen. When did she become Chinese? Whatever it was nice to have an Asian character in the mix, for Bishop and Storm to feel less marginalized.

Beast: He looked a lot less like his blue fur makeup was glued on by 6-year-olds, doing an arts and craft project at Summer Camp in this movie. Good job with that.

Magneto: Did Charles and the others just never expect him to pull a fast one? I mean didn’t he do the exact same thing in the last movie and just do whatever the fuck he wants at the end? Not once has Charles been even slightly peeved or surprized by the fact that Magneto is just plain unreliable. If Magneto was my friend I would call him “an unreliable Nora” behind his back.

Seriously Bryan, at this point, If I was Charles I would have been like “Ugh! Magneto! YOU HAD ONE JOB!” People never learn. It’s like Rhianna and Chris Brown all over again tbh.

Anyway Bryan. I really, really, really, really enjoyed it. I bought a packet of X-tra Cheezy Pringles for €2 just so I could get a code to watch exclusive content of your handsome face. You direct cool movies, so in my book, you can do no wrong.

Looking forward to the next film, if you’re involved. Touch wood. Who knows what’s going to happen?



P.S. Stay strong. Those twinks are obvs greedy, right? You didn’t do anything bad, did you?


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