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Gwyneth Paltrow’s company, Goop, which is reportedly $1.2m in debt due to it being squarely aimed at smug, rich douchebags, recently also saw the resignation of its CEO, Seb Bishop.

Goop which exclusively peddles needlessly expensive shit (basically) to people who appear to have more money than humanity, continues to trade at a massive loss, despite the tactic of Paltrow using the site to announce the event of her “conscious uncoupling” with Coldplay.

Last week I started trolling the Facebook page of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle/e-commerce blog, because that shit was just popping up on my news feed. I don’t know if it was dictionary definition trolling because I left suitable comments to really pretentious posts such as this one:

Goop Gwyneth Paltrow

Goop sells ridiculously expensive, posh, Gwyneth endorsed shit to tryhards

Then I started getting angry messages from anonymous writers (probably Gwyneth, actually) so I posted them on my tumblr:

Gwyneth tells blogger to "get a life"

Gwyneth sends angry message on Tumblr

 Is Trolling GOOP out of line? No. No, it isn’t actually.

With that settled, I decided to do a bit of research and compile a Top 10 list of the best crap that Gwyneth Paltrow has said, like actually out loud…to other people…so that those other people could actually hear it…and process it, as if it was an actual verbal projection of even corporeal reality.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t want to hear about peasants like you

So Am I trolling Gwyneth? Or has she really been trolling us all along?

Probably the latter. There are quotes to prove it. So here they are in all their glory. There are some fucking insane declarations and musings here, for sure:

10) About Living in America and Living in Europe:
“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”

9) On How Copping Slack for Being Smug and Privileged is exactly Like Being Displaced by War:
“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing … My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

8) On How Hotel Concierges In Paris Aren’t Letting Her Be White Enough:
“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?”

7) On How to Get Through The Hard Times:
“I managed to get through my tenth London winter by assigning January as ‘international month,’ and amused Moses and Apple with a visiting Italian chef, Japanese anime screenings, and hand-rolled-sushi lessons.”

6) On Substandard Cuisine:
“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin,”

5) On How Water Has Feelings:
“I love the work of Messages From Water author Masuru Emoto, whose studies have involved talking, yelling at and playing music to water to see if it had any molecular impact.”

4) On That One Time When Beyoncé Was All Like “Grrrlllll…”
“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

3) On How Your Mom Has It Easy Because Being Rich is Fucking Hard:
“I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as difficult, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”

2) On The Fact That She’s Fucking Crazy, Actually:
“I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the red rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say, ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.”

1) On Being Gwyneth Paltrow ergo Being Better Than You:
“I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”

Source: Stylecaster.com

2 thoughts on “The top 10 best things Gwyneth Paltrow has actually said out loud

  1. Spot on as usual. Let’s all join hands and chant off the wicked witch of pseudo-scientific endorsement for good! BE GONE (but please, Gwyneth, stay, because your bullshit is what Purina naturals is to cats – crack.)!

    Like

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