Game of Thrones is taking a break this week, with Season 4, Episode 8 set to air in the US next Sunday and the following day in the UK. It’s been a good season so far. A lot has happened- some of it good, some of it, maybe, a little bit too gratuitously rapey, which has caused me to question whether I will even return for Season 5, and just opt to just stick with the books instead.
So while we’re waiting for Episode 8, let’s just have a quick recap on what has happened so far this season and some of what went on in the previous three:
Major deaths so far: King Robert Baratheon was impaled by a rogue wild boar, Viserys Targaryn got a really cute molten gold crown from Khal Drogo, Drogo in turn died from an infected wound, Ned Stark was beheaded at the request of the lovably mischievous boy-King Joffrey. Sansa’s direwolf, Lady was ordered destroyed by a bitchy Cersei. Arya’s wolf, Nymeria, was sent off into the wild and hasn’t been seen since.
Renly- he was so lovely with his patchy beard and winning smile
Renly Baratheon was stabbed in the back by Melisandre’s vagina monster, Maester Luwin was killed by Theon Greyjoy, Lord Commander Mormont was killed by mutineers of the Night’s Watch for not standing up to the daughter shagging, King behind the wall, Craster.
Then the Red Wedding happened, where Robb and Tulisa Stark were double crossed and killed by Roose Bolton and Walder Frey, followed closely by Catelyn Stark, who managed to take out Frey’s young wife before having her throat slit.
This season was the Purple Wedding, which saw King Joffrey poisoned by an unknown assassin. An event that led to Tyrion Lannister being accused of regicide by Cersei and put on trial. Also there was a big reveal about who killed Joffrey and about how it was connected to the death of John Arryn in Season one- the death that sparked off the whole fiasco.
Joffrey had just started to win me over after throwing crap at shitty band, Sigur Ros
Where is Jon Snow?
Jon Snow starts mistakenly believing that he knows even one thing
After being repeatedly reminded that he knows nothing by the wildling Ygritte, he ended up giving her the slip and returning to Castle Black to inform the Night’s Watch of an oncoming attack by Craster’s army. He then led a small dispatch to Craster’s keep to kill the remaining Night’s Watch deserters, where he was spotted by Bran, who had temporarily been captured along with Meera Reed, Hodor and the kid from ‘Love Actually’. Bran decides to blank Jon because he doesn’t want him to interfere in his mission to find the three eyed crow from his trippy dreams.
Ok, so Jon and Bran are avoiding each other. Where is Rickon?
He’s being taken east by Osha the wildling, along with his direwolf Shaggydog to seek out loyal Stark bannermen for protection. I didn’t catch exactly where they were going. I just assumed it was something to do with the Reeds.
What about the girls?
Sansa is pissed because Robin fucked up the snow castle that the GOT production designer made
Well Sansa didn’t marry Joffrey after all but she did marry Tyrion. After’s Joffrey’s murder she was whisked away from the wedding by a man in the employ of Petyr Baelish and taken to The Eyrie, where her aunt Lysa lives and is now married to Lord Baelish. She “fake makes” a sandcastle out of snow without a bucket and spade, then slaps her weird cousin Robin and then Baelish shifts her, causing Lysa to lose her shit and try to ‘make her fly’ through the Moon Door. Baelish shows up and chucks Lysa through the Moon Door instead. Sansa is like “WTF is my life?” That’s all we know really.
And Arya? She never got to see Robb and Catelyn. How is she taking it?
Arya is uh here? maybe
Hard to say. She’s always been a tomboy but she’s been getting a bit stab happy. Even more so since she started hanging out with The Hound. He’s taking Arya to The Eyrie, so there’s a chance that she’ll be reunited with Sansa again. I’m trying to work out how far away from The Eyrie they are and it looks like it’s about the same distance as between Tuam and Galway except from West to East. So try and walk from Tuam to Galway and that’s basically your answer.
Brienne of Tarth and Podrick are now aware that she’s alive and they also seem to be heading toward The Eyrie.
Brienne? Who does she serve now? Doesn’t everyone, to whom she swears loyalty, die?
Jaime does a nice thing so he’s allowed to get inexplicably rapey with his sister
Yes indeed. She dug Renly and acted as his bodyguard until the vagina monster took him out. Catelyn Stark saw the whole thing go down and took Brienne under her service. Then she embarked on a quest to trade her prisoner, Jaime Lannister for the Stark girls. Then Catelyn got done in at the Red Wedding. Jaime then lost a hand but still managed to save Brienne from a bear pit in Harrenhal. She is obviously kind of into Jaime now but is keeping it profesh and has since resumed her quest to find the Stark girls.
Ygritte?
Getting ready to attack Castle Black with her peeps and a bunch of albinos. She’s really pissed with Jon Snow. That’s all we know really.
Theon Greyjoy. Simon from ‘Misfits’ chopped off his willy and mailed it to his fam. WTF?
Simon from ‘Misfits’ is into mad shit altogether
Hmmmm Theon has been involved an ongoing pseudo-gay, S&M porn scenario with Ramsay Snow for a while now and refused to be rescued by his sister, Yara Greyjoy. It looks like Ramsay and the Boltons are going to use a super subservient Theon to infiltrate the Greyjoys’ holdings on the Iron Islands.
Stannis and Melisandre? I don’t even know what the fuck they are!
Melisandre’s cock leeches are two for three so far
Join the club! Melisandre broke out those three cock leeches and put them on Gendry’s crotch before he escaped in a rowboat and hasn’t been seen from since. Interestingly, the cock leeches being thrown on a fire, are theoretically supposed to take out three Kings. They were Robb Stark, Joffrey Baratheon and Balon Greyjoy. So far, two of those men have died so I don’t hold out much hope for Balon Greyjoy surviving this season. Otherwise, Stannis just asked for a lend from the Iron Bank, so he’s antsy about mounting another attack on King’s Landing.
What’s the story with Shireen Baratheon?
This is not actually all that clear to me, other than the fact that Melisandre think’s she’s important. She was teaching Davos Seaworth how to read for a bit!
What about Tyrion and his trial?
Tyrion demands a trial by combat. Now fer ya.
Well he was about to be sent to Castle Black to become a member of the Night’s Watch after Jaime appealed for leniency after a farce trial but then Shae showed up and said a lot of bitchy things. It made Tyrion mad and he demanded “trial by combat.” Jaime couldn’t help him out because he can’t fight with his left hand; Bronn wouldn’t help him out but wished him well; Oberyn Martell, the Prince of Dorne showed up and offered to fight as Tyrion’s champion. The only thing is that he’ll be fighting The Mountain, who is the brother of The Hound and the man who scarred his face. So The Hound wants to kill him as much as Oberyn does.
Where did Oberyn come from?
Oberyn Martell is pretty much “Like y’know whatever”
From the South? I think. He was a guest for the Purple wedding and sort of stuck around. The Martells are one of the great houses of Westeros that hate the Lannisters. There’s a lot of bad blood there, even though Cersei’s daughter, Myrcella, lives there now.
Who else is there? What is Cersei doing these days?
Well her eldest son Joffrey is dead. Her youngest son Tommen is now King, even though Tywin Lannister is essentially calling the shots. Cersei is due to marry the Knight of the Flowers, Loras Tyrell, who hasn’t really had a steady boyfriend since Renly died.
What about Loras’ sister Margaery? She’s widowed now twice?
Ser Pounce cock blocks Margaery Tyrell
Yup! And with the guidance of her granny Olenna Tyrell, she’s hoping it’s going to be third time a charm, if she can get her hooks into Tommen. Tommen seems to like her well enough, even though his cat Ser Pounce went in for a power cock block when she visited his bedroom late one night.
Dany? Is she ever going to just conquer Westeros and get it over with?
Dany is like “Oof! Yer fookin’ gorgeous. Let’s fook!”
Hmmm well the answer to that is: not yet. She’s run into problems with some of the cities she has liberated in Essos and she’s staying to do some governance and to iron out some structural problems with that. She continues to be profesh as fuck with Jorah Mormont but has decided that she likes looking at Daario Naharis’ arse, which isn’t a bad arse.
What’s going to happen in the final three episodes?
Tough to say in terms of story but in terms of cheap titillation there has been fewer incidents of using rape as wallpaper in the last few episodes but there should be a few more minor character deaths. One or the other of The Mountain or Oberyn Martell should die. Amirite, book readers? Amirite?
Something might go down with the Greyjoys or it will build until middle of next season. There will be an estimated 16-20 more exposed breasts before seasons end, maybe one or two exposed male buttocks (hopefully Oberyn Martell). Petyr Baelish’s accent is about to reach full-on pirate status whereas Tyrion’s is finding a sort of balance, mostly. I’m also holding out hope for somewhere in between 7 and 100 additional “HODOR”s.
Most of the loose ends are with Sansa and Arya and Tyrion at the moment so those are the characters who’ll be most important for the rest of this season.
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